i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
