Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
