After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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