Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
