I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
