I checked into jail on foursquare
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
