i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
