haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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