You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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