he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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