I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
