I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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