My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
