you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
