I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
