I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
