maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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