i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
