i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
