the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
