im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
