I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
