you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
do nipples grow back?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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