checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
