Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
