happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
