so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I faked an abortion last night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
