Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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