There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
