I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize