We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
