at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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