My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
