I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
