i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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