Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize