how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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