If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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