I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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