i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
