Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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