I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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