You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ketchup is God's man juice
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
