Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
