I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
