She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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