he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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