Will you blow on my dice?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
