i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
