I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
