He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we're making bets on your personal life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
