Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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