She announced her abortion via fbk
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
