I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
