I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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