She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
