I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
