If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize