I wish I only lived at night.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
