I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Less talking, more tequila
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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