And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
