Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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