Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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